Some boys don’t moan at all when having sex how boring
Cheating is literally so traumatic to people and y'all really make lighthearted memes about it
Time for this mysterious masquerade I’ve been putting on for months to come to an end and to explain where and what I’ve been doing on my hiatus. I miss a lot of you and some of you beautiful souls have really helped me before when I had needed it the most in the past. Anyways, I truthfully never left tumblr or had an exodus, I still don’t have that kind of will power yet. Over the summer I became very depressed and super anxious (worse than it has ever been before) and I constantly felt in this state of being trapped and as if I was in a coffin being buried alive, and each day feeling like another ton of dirt collapsing in n my lungs…so I decided to leave my pantylie ~persona~ if you will, and start with a clean slate…which quite frankly I do not regret at all. I’ve been able to open up more on my new blog and have more of a rite to self expression…and my art sort of stated to flourish and I felt better. I met many wonderful individuals over the past few months hiding under my new user (which many also are aware of this blog being my undercover identity or old self…whatever you want to call it.) Aside from my aesthetic crisis and worldwide web petty problems, my mental illness was getting quite unbearable for the longest while. I wasn’t able to get out of bed for many days, shower, clean my room or ever partake in activities and hobbies I’d usually be delighted to indulge in. And although I would say I personally feel better as of now, I feel as if it is too soon to speak. I had a near suicide incident on Thanksgiving and had a breakdown and ended my night shriveled up on the ground with dirt in my mouth, shaking and hysterically crying…unable to move or speak. But I’ve been trying my hardest in everything…no matter how difficult everything has become for me. I am now on antidepressants and anxiety medication, and my dosages are quite high. I am not quite fond of my antidepressants due to my dosage being quite high and a side effect I’ve noticed that severely bothers me is increased anxiety and very high paranoia. Due to this medicine, I’ve also been experiencing drastic weight loss and lack of appetite. I’ve lost 25 lbs since being on this medication…which may be terrible but it makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin. Another thing i have been struggling with more than I ever have before is self harm. The past few months I’ve struggled with violent urges and the inability to cope with these feelings with out slitting open my skin so deep until I saw blood flow. I found it soothing and relaxing…which is sick. I’ve been trying to stop this but it has been very,very difficult. I also frequently see a psychiatrist and therapist now which has sort of helped me cope and understand my feelings and why I think the way I do. As far as my personal life goes, school is still terrible and had been getting worse for awhile, and I constantly feel discouraged to try and feelings of inadequacy have become the norm. I finally applied for two jobs this year, one I was turned down from and one I was hired and accepted into. I still currently work, it’s minimum wage but I’ve found it to be quite beneficial for my own sake, and I see it as a wake up call to growing up. I work about 6 days a week and my shifts are 4-6 hours. I’ve felt very disconnected from myself and my art and music. I’ve felt lackluster in my creativity and in need of some sort of muse. I no longer have a “unique” or “intriguing” style, which is quite tragic. I no longer get a joy or high from drawing or painting anymore, I’ve started to see it more of a nuisance. As for my music, I finally invested in a bass which I thoroughly enjoyed for a while but I have no desire to write music or learn anything new. 2015 has been one of the most trying years of my life, and so much has changed for me. Physically, personally and mentally. This year was strange and exhausting…and as I was loosing hope and this year seemed to be one of the worst it became better towards it’s end. One of my best friends has become something more significant, my lover and beautiful boyfriend. I have never met someone so understanding and accepting. I finally have met someone I feel comfortable opening up to and who is willing to listen to me when I need it. He gives me hope for a better tomorrow and something to look forward to every day, and gives me a reason to wake up. I told myself to not build homes in other people, but I feel like this home wasn’t built inside him, but as if we built it together in between ourselves. I never understood the term “he’s my rock” until I met him. Before all of this, i felt this constant state of dissociation and as if I was floating, but now he hold me down and makes me feel like a real person and no longer unable to be understood and some surreal concept. It’s been pure euphoria being with him.
Aside from all of this, thank you all to those who tried to stay in contact with me and sent me messages of concern to check up on me. Although I wouldn’t say I’ve been alright (very far from it), I do think I have been doing better as of recently and i’m willing to become active on here again.
